Short smart and funny tweets

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Total Records: 1807

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2680

# The first thing I always do when a cop pulls me over is remind him he can't arrest me without a warrant so he knows he's dealing with a pro

2677

NEXT!!! Can I help you? Nah. I just stood in line to say hi.

2671

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

2669

you tweet me, i tweet back, you don't reply. what's all that about? if you don't want to talk to me, don't tweet me in the first place.

2668

i hope dis is just a nightmare. im gonna wake up & open my eyes..... 1, 2, 3.... it's not a dream. it's not a nightmare. it is HELL.....

2665

Funny, how i can make this lasagna in the microwave for just 1 minute, or in the oven for 5 days. #decisions

2664

Its funny how the person that puts the biggest smile on my face is also the person that brings the most tears to my eyes... #Sad

2659

2656

Mom: Clean your room guests are coming over. Me: Sorry, I didn't realise you'd all be gathering in my room R-E-T-W-E-E-T

2654

Prince says the Internet is dead. Maybe we should call it the ¥♂, or "that thingy we use to look up who Prince is."

2653

Had a weird dream last night where people actually wanted to hear about other people's dreams.

2652

Who needs dance lessons when you can simply walk through a spider's web on your way out of the house.

2651

Just when my doctor thought I was making progress, all my imaginary friends are back.

2650

The nerds are coming from INSIDE the internet.

2649

Well established facts can be disputed if you Google them hard enough.

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